Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh – I am feeling super emotional today. My littlest Wilko turned 10 months old yesterday. Why? How?
And more importantly who has put 2016 on fast-forward? I feel as though I’ve blinked and missed Cruise going from 4 weeks to 8 weeks, to 4 months to 8 months and now he’s already 10 months. With Clark, I felt like I had the time to sit and devour every little second, every little dimple, every little thing. But with Cruise it’s been he’s rolled, he’s sat, he’s crawled, he’s walked and in two months he’ll be one.
Being a mum of two is fantastic, rewarding, everything I had imagined but shit, no one told me about the guilt. The guilt is the worst. The fact Cruise is already 10 months old and I feel like I’ve not sat and cherished him, obviously I have, but it doesn’t feel like it as you’re caught up in the whirlwind of having two.
He has always been such a content and happy baby that I’ve had the opportunity to do the housework, do the food shopping, cook in the evening, all the things which get put on hold for a little while when you have your first baby. But when you have your second, your life continues. Everything continues, in order to try and not disrupt the routine which you have with your eldest, and to make sure they know you are still there for them.
I just hope I’m not the only one who has this little black rain cloud of guilt which creeps up every now and again.. an example:
More recently, Cruise has been a little difficult to get to sleep and I recall one night he wanted to be rocked. Great I thought, he finally wants mummy to cuddle him to sleep. I’ll add now that Cruise has always self-settled and has never wanted cuddles to sleep, complete opposite to how Clark was at his age. So, I scooped him up to rock him and sing my rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but my heart completely sank. I felt this weight of a 9 month old, his long legs hanging over my arms and I felt myself cry. I was crying because it was the first time (I can guarantee it wasn’t but felt like it at the time) that I had the time and peace around me to just stop and look at him. His little nose, tufts of hair, big brown eyes gazing up at me, though shutting every now and again fighting his tiredness. This moment I did cherish and every bedtime since, I have cherished the peace and just gazed at him.
Then the guilt which I have on Clark’s part, where I feel like I am continually saying ‘Hold on Clark, let me change Cruise, feed Cruise, play with Cruise’ etc. I just can’t win, Clark still wants to be cuddled to sleep and hold my hand, but sometimes I then have to see to Cruise, interrupting Clark's time with me. I hate that I worry about all of this but I do, but then I know I’m a good mum because I am worrying, if I wasn’t, there would be something seriously wrong.
I just wish:
Clark, I’m sorry:
Bloody hell Wilko boys, I’m shattered, both emotionally and physically, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I am vowing to myself to slow down – Claim my ‘play’ button rather than ‘fast-forward’ and not rush, take it easy and enjoy the journey!
To you mummies who are thinking about having a second baby, or are already expecting – It’s the best thing I ever did. I know they will be best friends and always have each other’s back. But please do one thing, don’t rush to get back to normality, let the washing pile up, the dishes pile up etc, because all that can wait!
Plus, I think these photos speak volumes as to why it'll be the best thing you did!